How to be Gentle to a Postpartum Mother

A few years ago, our darling sister, Ariel, wrote a wonderful post about how to speak to a pregnant woman. I loved it, and thought I might write a post about how to speak to a postpartum woman. To preface this conversation, I should mention that this may seem like, "Wow, I've had a lot of really crummy conversation right after I've had each of my children. I want to tell you about each of them. In great detail." I haven't, for each of these unfortunate experiences, I've had probably a thousand good ones. But there has been a lingering bite to some of these, and I think it is something we would all, myself included, do well to consider for the future.

1. Don't assume a mother wants, or doesn't want company. Just ask.
Giving birth is such a personal thing, and affects every mother differently. For me, each postpartum experience has been vastly different. Sometimes I have craved company, others I have relished time alone. There is no shame in asking how the mother is feeling, and if she would like company. Postpartum is a terrible time to be burdened with company you don't have the energy for. Which leads me to my next point...

2. If you visit, don't overstay your welcome.
The day my second son was born, I was in the restroom when I heard a knock at the front door. It was a lovely neighbor bringing us a meal. It was beyond thoughtful! She then sat and chatted. And chatted. And chatted... I was hiding in the bathroom, because I had just birthed a 10 lb. bowling ball after a 9 hour labor, and didn't have the energy for guests. I finally came out and sat on the couch, and my neighbor continued to chat... I honestly don't remember the resolution to that visit, (did I mention I was tired?) all I know is that it made me cry. That is a rather grandiose example, though. There was that other time I visited my friend whose baby was a month old, and time got away from me because our sons were playing so nicely together. And then my friend suddenly stood up inexplicably... oh wait, no. She was just trying to get the message to me that we should have left a while ago. (We had been there an hour.) Let's just all remember to make visits short, or again, find some way of asking what the mother needs.

3. Don't make commentary on the size of family she ought to have. Also, don't assume she is planning on a large, or small family. 

Does this make anyone immediately awkward? It does me. After my second son was born, a lovely lady brought us dinner. I mentioned it being busy taking care of a new baby, and his not-yet-two-year-old older brother. She said, "Well, but then once you have your sixth or seventh, you'll see it gets easier, because the older kids will help with the younger while you are with the newest..." And she just beamed at me! Honestly, this woman can't get sweeter. She is a very good woman. But I had just had my second child days before, and was not in a hurry to jump into another pregnancy. To be blunt I didn't want more than two. And being extremely tired, and having just had a baby, I cried after she left. I honestly felt like a bad person for the literal revulsion I felt over the thought of being the mother of that many children. I've come to terms with it. Have you? Let's all remember it is none of our business how many children other people have. Assume the best, they are in close contact with God about it. He is just fine with people having large families, he is equally just fine with people having small families. The end.

4. If she confides in you about a difficulty that stemmed from giving birth, the proper response is ALWAYS, "That must be so difficult. I'm so sorry!"
I feel like this should be self-explanatory, but just incase someone missed this life lesson, if a mother tells you she has been suffering from depression since her baby was born, just hug her for crying out loud! Or, if she had a bad birth experience, don't tell her how things could have been worse. By all means, please don't tell her it could have been better if she had chosen to birth in different way. Ugh. I may have been guilty of this one, being a natural birth junky. Dear Universe, I am so very sorry for being inadvertently rude...

5. Don't make a commitment to help the postpartum mother, unless you know you can keep it.
These stories are shared with the permission of those involved. When I was expecting my third child, I made arrangements for my sister to come stay with me for the first week when my husband went back to work. (Seriously, am I the only person for whom that first week of being alone with all of the children, new and old, is terrifying?? It always turns out fine, but there is no masking that it is just a difficult time.) Well, plans didn't turn out as smoothly as we had thought, and I spent the first two days without any help at all. As I said, it turned out fine, but for a woman who had been expecting help, to suddenly not have it... I felt like I was drowning in babies. It was actually really harrowing. One more example to drive this one home: I have a friend who had just had her third baby, and her mom called saying she wanted to come get her older children the next morning. My friend said she could almost taste the sleep. The time for her mom to pick up the kiddies came and went, but she finally called to say she was running late. Then an hour later she called again and said she was still running late. Three hours later than when she said she would be there, she called and said she would try again the next day. (I'm not making this up.) Please, please, please, please, don't try to be helpful by promising something you cannot deliver. We all understand life is busy -- boy is it ever! It is far less offensive, though, to have someone not offer help, then to offer it at such a crucial juncture, and not fulfill.

6. For heaven's sake (literally), please stop judging. Just stop. Really.

So there was this one time a group of my friends were talking about how sometimes women use having a baby to get out of their church callings, or not go to church for a month or more at a time. I wanted to raise my hand and say, "Been there. Done that." Like that time I was a brand new mother to my first son, and was given a time intensive calling in our the primary presidency (the children's organization of our church). I got bronchitis a week later, and was struggling with nursing because my milk supply was low from the fever and being sick -- I could not drag myself to make it to the presidency meeting that week, and so the wonderful women I was in the presidency with (one who didn't have children at the time, and another who was very honest about the fact that she had never wanted any), had taken off from work, but then there wasn't a meeting to go to because I wasn't there. And then every Sunday I would be performing some function where I couldn't be feeding my new baby, (sometimes babies want to nurse at inconvenient moments, let's be honest. I won't apologize for wanting to feed my month old baby.) and so someone else would be holding him in the hallway, and he would be crying. And so he would fall asleep crying in the hallway on Sunday's. Call me a baby, but it was too much for me. I asked to be released. And then there was that time when I had had my third baby, (whose pregnancy was a surprise, by the way), and I was slammed by postpartum depression, and I felt like I was drowning, so I asked to be released as a visiting teacher, because I wasn't making it to appointments anyway.... I'm not depressed anymore, but being a mom to three kids in three years is just really intense. I still haven't asked to be reinstated as a VT, yet. Taking care of my best time investments ever positively fills my plate, to be honest. And God has told me repeatedly that he is OK with this arrangement. Let's just not go there, friends. We don't know how that new mother is feeling. It does not matter if it her first, fifth, or tenth, just call her blessed, and then make room for her and her family's needs.

We all have our stories. Let's all learn together so we can be better sisters to those around us. Do you have any experiences you'd like to share? Please feel free, you are in a safe place here.

Start Planning Easter!

Easter is right around the corner. With it comes great potential for deepening your family's relationship with Jesus Christ and better understanding his great mission.

Last year I wrote a review of a fabulous guide for celebrating a Christ-centered Easter. If you haven't already, you might consider purchasing the book* for the upcoming Holy Week. (I included several ideas from the book in the original post.)

Even with last-minute planning and a husband out of town, I was able to try many of the ideas and activities with my young sons last year. We all enjoyed it and felt closer to each other and to our Savior. We read scriptures, stories, discussed the events of each day of the week, learned about the customs and rituals of the Jews, listened to sacred music, acted out events and parables, made the food of the time, and even had delicious sole and honeycomb for our simple Easter dinner (which I liked preparing so much more than the leg of lamb I did a previous year!). Yet we barely scratched the surface of this book.

What about conventional Easter celebrations? We completely left them out (my kids had never heard of the Easter bunny, so they weren't left wondering). Our week involved so many interesting activities, I don't feel we missed out. This year we might color eggs and have a basket hunt on Saturday the 12th (the day before Palm Sunday) as a celebration of spring and precursor to the true Easter festivities. (I like the idea of doing this on the first day of spring, but we were out of town that week and couldn't swing it.)

Making unleavened bread

After the holiday last year, I followed up with the author about the book review post, and she shared a few other ideas they have implemented since publishing their book. From Janet Hales:

How did your Easter turn out?  Easter day is my favorite -- the compilation of everything we have done and thought of during the week.  We have added two things to our family worship that have been very significant for me: on Saturday, those who can, attend the Temple, to help in the vicarious work now afforded us.  This is such a meaningful activity to me.  On Sunday, those who wish give an "Easter Offering" they have been independently working on throughout the week.  One year I wrote a Psalm of praise, this year it was free verse about Living Water; Joe wrote a lovely piece about "Why Is this Night different than all other nights?" (A question from the script of the Passover Dinner), Kate sang "I Stand All Amazed."  Years ago, one of our young boys had made an "empty tomb" out of Lego.  This was really a reverent and beautiful part of our ending devotional this year.  

The book contains such an abundance that you'll already have to pick and choose, but you might also find yourself thinking of things on your own. Whatever you do, make a plan ahead of time that will work for your family and above all, enjoy this beautiful Easter season! Please share how it turns out.

*No, I'm not getting any kickbacks. ;)

CO & Potato Printing

You may remember that for this year we are going through the values of "charity." Do you remember the first one for January?  "Long Suffering."  Yeah, we should have given a second thought before praying as a family to be more long suffering.
We passed around the stomach flu, had the coldest month we could remember, and had a gas leak that resulted in co2 poisoning, and having our gas turned off because of a leak, taking with it our heat and hot water.

Our home was swarming with these guys late last Friday night as they tried to detect the source of the gas leak.

Our CO poisoning came from corrosion of an old gas pipe.  We don't know how long it's been leaking, but we definitely experienced most of the symptoms: headache, dizziness, weakness, nausea, vomiting, chest pain, and confusion.  Especially the confusion ;)  Having the gas turned off in January was a good crash course in preparedness.  I'm happy to say we did pretty well, and we're very grateful for a very effective wood burning stove that did the job beautifully.

But seriously--get a CO Detector!  People can go years not knowing they're being poisoned, if the leak is small.  Who knew?

Needless to say, we're very happy to be moving into February, with slightly warmer weather, slightly more light, and instead of focusing on "long suffering," we get to be "kind."  How bad can it be?

To celebrate, the littles and I made this super easy poster.  We used potatoes and a red and black ink pad, and viola!  A reminder poster.

Happy February!

Charity Never Faileth

Instead of doing lots of big goals in many different areas this year, we decided to have "Charity" be the theme for the year, with small goals coming from the definition in Moroni 7:45 in the Book of Mormon.  There are 12 attributes listed in the scripture (if you combine "rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth), so there are enough to do one a month!  

I made this printable so we can have it up all year as a reminder of our goals.

Every month in Family Home Evening, we will introduce the new topic and make corresponding personal and/or family goals.

January is "suffereth long."  We define this mostly as patience, and, living in a family we have already had plenty of opportunities to practice!  So far, it has been really fun.  Our kids are young enough that they still go along with all this stuff without complaining :)  We each picked one thing we had to practice being more patient with, wrote it down as a goal, and did some fun role playing.

Do you now or have you in the past had a scripture theme for the year?  Do you make goals as a family?  How has it worked out for you?

Family Personal Scripture Study

My five year old (who has just become an independent reader) recently started asking for his own Book of Mormon.  We thought it was a great idea, and started a morning personal scripture study time right when the kids wake up. The younger siblings can only look through scripture related picture books. We do it for about ten or fifteen minutes. I've been really tempted to use the time to make a delicious breakfast for these cuties, but I feel it is important for them to see me studying my scriptures too.

 So far, the boys love it and remind us right when they wake up!  It makes sense to start personal scripture study now, while they are young and excited about it. That will make it all her to continue that tradition as they grow.

Happy Autumn!

Yin and Yang

My mother is in Argentina right now, and has had something of a monastic two weeks by herself to contemplate and meditate.  In her weekly letter to family, she included this brilliant piece about Yin and Yang.  It's worth a read, and will give you some food for thought for your weekend.  With her permission, I share it now.

In prayer and reflection time, I've thought of the concepts that eastern philosophies have words for the energy balances we need in our lives--yin and yang (my feng shui teacher insisted that we pronounce yang in a way that rhymes with "song," not the orange breakfast drink!) Life would probably have been easier for me if we had words for them in English. As I understand them, they acknowledge that a balance of both energies in each system (a life, a family, a home, a country, etc.) is ideal for well-being. 

Yin, known as the female energy, is receptive, quiet, nurturing, characterized by listening, hearing, understanding, mercy, beauty, winter, the moon and night. The male yang is a bright energy of activity and growth, action, and justice. It is dynamic and powerful, characterized by the sun, speaking, acting and giving. These characteristics should not be confused with the genders they represent, as all people have, or should have elements of both in their being, though the gender association is surely not accidental. In my unofficial observation of marriages for example, I think that in some cases the wife is the more yang and the husband more yin of the two. It probably doesn't matter.

They both sound good to me in my own extremely yin season, and yang sounds especially good at the moment.

Together, they represent perfection (think of the yin/yang symbol). But each energy in its excess leads to dis-ease. Yin can cave in on itself, and implode in sloth and inaction. Yang is hurried and competitive. Unmoderated, it leads to enmity, thoughtlessness, aggression, insensitivity and violence. Ultimately, it explodes. Consider young men at war. (Hugh Nibley's article "Matriarchy and Patriarchy" has informed my thinking on this, and is probably another way of looking at the same energies). It's interesting to consider the tendencies toward violence and ugliness (in my opinion) of very yang societies which repress or pervert yin energies, such as some in the Middle East. According to Nibley, yin societies stagnate.

As I have considered this tension, I believe one of the reasons that the world is heading toward its prophesized violent combustive ending is that yang energy is generally (but not completely) ruling the world, and increasing. Eckhart Tolle has mentioned this (see A New Earth). In some corners, yin energy is growing, as seen in the growing popularity of yoga, and meditation.

But generally, we are in a period of increasing speed of almost everything, including travel and communication, and living in general. We no longer recite or listen to poetry, sit together, visit one another, go for walks, or watch the sun set.We don't even write much, generally. (Most TV watching seems the worst of both worlds--utterly useless inaction spent watching an aggressive, self-focused yang world.) This has been coming on for a long time now, and much of it is due to technology, (which I mostly adore), but which obscures the natural rhythms of life--the gathering of darkness in winter, the cold which drives us inside to be together, to talk, to read and to listen. Now, it's always daytime, and we can always, day and night, tell and hear some new thing (Acts 17:21). Some may think this is not to be regretted, and candidly, I'm not sure how many poetry recitations I'm prepared to sit through at the moment. But I do think we are off balance when sensitivity, gentleness and growing things like marriages and children take too much time, as we rush headlong through hard and often thoughtless, activity-driven living; likewise when, as Elder Christofferson mentioned, women characters have joined the killers in video games. (And, to be current, when somehow it is weakness to negotiate compromises in a representative government, so that shallow, unexamined ideologies and enmity rule.)

My thoughts today have been that in the gospel, the Lord honors both yin and yang energies, and asks us to do the same. The Savior, with only three years in which to teach the gospel and organize His church, resorted often to personal prayer and reflection, often leaving the masses of people who wouldn't leave Him alone. (Sometimes He left them miraculously.) He made time for quiet conversation with individuals at the edges of wells, and in the midnight hour. He took naps on boats! His yang activities were mighty--cleansing the temple twice, feeding the multitudes (probably also twice), preaching at the temple many times. But He sought time with His Father always. The prophet Joseph Smith, the kingdom builder, also took much time for meditation and prayer. How he ever did anything but appear in court with the hundreds of accusations thrown against him is a mystery to me!

In the gospel, the sacrament, scripture study, prayer and temple worship are surely critical yin activities. Missionary work, service of so many kinds, provident living, and much of family life are usually mostly yang. All are essential. I think that yin energy may be growing in the Church, to its great benefit, as yang grows in the world, as the role of women in the family and society is celebrated as it was by many speakers in this conference, including Sister Stephens and Elder Christofferson and others. The importance of yin devotional time ("Abide with Me") is pared with yang work and energy ("Put your Shoulder to the Wheel"). We heard messages of "Never look back at what you have done. Look at what you still have to do," with "If you don't take time to be well, you will surely take time to be sick." And we are taught to take time to make sure we have the Spirit of the Lord with us as we engage in the yang work of teaching, serving and doing missionary work.

This weekend, I have felt the Lord's assurances that in my life, both yin and yang energies are essential, and that the Lord will allow time and strength for both, if I seek them, regardless of what my responsibilities now or in the future may be.

Activities for a Christ-Centered Easter

This week I discovered a goldmine in an old wedding gift, heretofore neglected on the bookcase I'm embarrassed to say.  Gifted to us by the authors (and family friends), Janet and Joe Hales, A Christ-Centered Easter: Day-by-Day Activities to Celebrate Easter Week contains a wealth of ideas for honoring Easter with the grace it deserves.

To reap the real benefits of this resource, you should just add it to your collection!  But perhaps even from what I share, you will find some new Easter traditions to establish with your family.  We certainly have.  The book includes several different sections:

The preface explains how the Hales family molded their Easter observance to whole-heartedly celebrate the sacred events of the atonement and resurrection.

The introduction suggests how to use the book.  At the beginning, they also explain that rather than tossing out the Easter baskets and egg-dying to make way for a more consecrated celebration, they opt to make Spring Baskets and dye Spring Eggs to welcome the first day of spring.  I liked that very much.

Part 1 is the day-by-day guide, full of ideas for honoring each day of the week.  See below.

Part 2 is dedicated to supplemental materials, including:

• Sacred Music and Hymns: a list for both singing and listening, including classical works appropriate to the holiday (i.e. Handel's Messiah and Rachmaninoff's Vespers, among others).
• Stories with a Message: stories from our day that add perspective to the Easter celebration.
• A discussion regarding the Jewish Sabbath.
• Easter Activities and Plays, which include an oil lamp tutorial and other fun activities such as The Easter Story in Eggs, Easter Story Cookies, and the Plan of Happiness Treasure Hunt.
• A Passover Activity and Jerusalem Dinner: this section provides great information on Passover, the symbolism of the foods traditionally consumed, a list of other foods that may have been consumed in Jesus' time, and several recipes for dishes like lentil soup, seasoned lamb and barley, yogurt cheese, broiled fish, and others.
• Many pages of this section are devoted to A Parallel Account of the Gospels, which includes all the verses in the Four Gospels (written out in four columns side-by-side) that took place during Easter week.  The authors recommend a portion for each day.
• Useful Reference Materials for Children, Youth, and Adults: a list of books, articles, audiotapes, videotapes for further learning, as well as references for personal and background study.
• Maps showing Jerusalem and the Holy Land in Jesus' day.

The heart of the book is the section that explores each day of the week from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday, including prophecies for each day, corresponding scriptures, ideas for family discussion, and age-appropriate activities.  Here is just a sampling:

DAY 1 -- PALM SUNDAY: Jesus' Triumphal Entry

Matthew 21:1-11, Mark 11:1-11, Luke 19: 28-44, John 12:12-36

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Discussion Ideas

• Discuss what your family would do to show your joy that Jesus is the Christ if he came today.

Suggested Activities

• Act out the "Triumphal Entry Play." [Included later in the book. Just read the verses from Mark and act it out. My boys loved having daddy be the donkey.] 
• Go on a nature walk with your children. Instruct them to find a variety of objects that are significant to the Easter story. For example, have them find a branch to signify the palm branches case in the Savior's path as he rode a donkey into Jerusalem; a thorn to represent the crown of thorns Jesus wore on his head; a piece of wood to signify the cross to which Jesus was nailed; a rock to represent the stone rolled away from the open tomb; and so on.

DAY 2 -- MONDAY: Cleansing the Temple

Matthew 21:12-18, Mark 11:12-19, Luke 19:45-48

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Discussion Ideas

• Given Jesus' action in the temple, discuss how he would feel in your own family's home? How might he cleanse it? As a family, choose one way to purify your home and make that your goal for the week.

Suggested Activities

• Name, list, and discuss some of Jesus' character traits (obedient, forgiving, kind, compassionate, humble, patient, selfless, courageous, filial, and so on). Choose one to work on as a family during the week.

DAY 3 -- TUESDAY: Parables and Teachings

Matthew 21:19 - 26:16, Mark 11:20 - 14:11, Luke 20:1 - 22:6, John 12:37-50

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Discussion Ideas

• Choose a parable or teaching as the focus of an in-depth discussion (see JTC, chapters 30-32; Robert Millet, Parables and other Teaching Stories [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1999], various sections). Use questions such as the following to begin your discussion:
• Regarding the Widow's Mite, Why were people throwing money into the treasury? What is a mite? What does the widow's money represent? How are all sincere followers of Christ like the poor widow?
• Regarding the Parable of the Royal Marriage Feast, What does the marriage symbolize? Who is the bride? Who do the various invited parties represent? What does the wedding garment symbolize and why is it so important? What application does this have in our lives?

Suggested Activities

• Act out a parable. Wear costumes, use props, and record it on videotape so the children can view it later.

DAY 4 -- WEDNESDAY: Rest in Bethany

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Note: No events are specifically recorded for this day. It is assumed that Jesus spent the day in Bethany. You may continue to use parables taught on Day 3 or discuss later verses, such as Mary anointing the Savior and Judas bargaining for the betrayal of Christ.

Discussion Ideas

• Define the words anoint and spikenard. Explain possible reasons why the woman anointed Jesus (see BD, "Anoint," 609; JTC, chapter 29, note 7).
• Explain that thirty pieces of silver was the price commonly paid for the life of a male slave. Use the following questions to discuss Judas' betrayal: Why did the Pharisees set this price? Would it have mattered to Judas how much money had been offered? Has Jesus even been betrayed since then? What has been the price?

Suggested Activities

• While reading and discussing the Parable of the Ten Virgins, burn two lamps: one willed with oil and another containing only a very little oil. Turn off all other lights and burn both lamps until the foolish virgin's lamp burns out.

DAY 5 -- THURSDAY: The Last Supper and Jesus' Prayer and Agony in Gethsemane

Matthew 26: 17-75, Mark 14:12-72, Luke 22:7-65, John 13:1 - 18:27

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Discussion Ideas

• Read Matthew 26:17-19 and discuss what you might do to prepare for Passover. Have the family participate in the Jewish tradition of cleaning the house in preparation for the Passover.
• Read and discuss Christ's description of his own suffering in Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-19.

Suggested Activities

• Taste and discuss the ritual foods of Passover followed by a simple dinner prepared with foods common in Jesus' day. 
• Appropriate food choices would include roasted lamb or lamb chops, bitter herbs (romaine lettuce or horse radish), unleavened bread, and glasses of grape juice.

DAY 6 -- FRIDAY: Jesus' Trial and Crucifixion

Matthew 27:1-61, Mark 15:1-47, Luke 22:66 - 23:56, John 18:28 - 19:42

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Discussion Ideas

• Discuss, in more depth, various aspects of Christ's suffering by asking the following questions: Did Jesus fully understand what he was required to do? What did Jesus mean when he said, "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt?" What is the equivalent of that submission in our own lives?

Suggested Activities

• Obtain a heavy wooden beam and try to carry it.  Taste the difference between water and vinegar.  Craft a crown of thorns using thorny branches found in your area.

DAY 7 -- SATURDAY: The Jewish Sabbath

Matthew 27:62-66, Luke 23:56

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Discussion Ideas

• Discuss Jewish Sabbath observance.
• Read 1 Peter 3:18-20 and D&C 138:29-37. Discuss the mercy of vicarious work as part of the plan of redemption. Discuss the irony that Christ's death brought grief to his disciples on earth but joy to those in the spirit world. Ask your family, What might this teach us about trusting in the Lord with patience?

Suggested Activities

• Eat a Jerusalem Dinner, like one Jesus may have eaten in his day.  Eat by lamp or candlelight and experiment with different kinds of olives, cheeses, dried fruits, and recipes for more complex dishes.

DAY 8 -- EASTER SUNDAY: Jesus' Resurrection and Appearances

Matthew 28:1-15, Mark 16:1-12, Luke 24:1-49, John 20:1-23

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Discussion Ideas

• Discuss the range of emotions that must have been felt by Mary Magdalene or Mary the mother of Jesus on this day (from continued shock and despair to hope and unbounded joy).

Suggested Activities

• Meet in the morning for an Easter devotional: Sing the Resurrection hymn your family chose on Day 1. Offer a prayer of praise and thanksgiving. Retell the sacred story of the resurrected Lord's first appearances as found in John and Luke (John 20:1-18; Luke 24:13-35). Share personal testimonies of Christ's atonement and resurrection.
• Eat an Easter dinner of broiled fish and honeycomb. (Luke records that Jesus ate broiled fish served with honeycomb.  A one-inch square of honeycomb per person is sufficient for this meal.)
• Read several Psalms, such as 23, 24, 100, 113, 136, 146, and 149, and then write a family psalm of praise.

***

I am enthusiastic about using many of these ideas this week!  I'm particularly looking forward to trying some of the food recommendations, especially the simple Easter dinner. 

Which ones caught your eye?  What ideas do you have for celebrating a Christ-centered Easter?

The Birth of James Theodore

I love giving birth. My labor to bring James home to us was an intimate, uplifting experience. I was left in grateful awe of what my body is capable of building and delivering. The scripture I once loved as a missionary rang true for me in a new way: 

"...for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up" (D&C 84:88).

Angels from both here and beyond gathered round about me during this sacred event. The Spirit was clearly present, but with a feminine touch. Giving birth at home freed me from distraction and worry, allowing me a heightened spiritual awareness and connection with my family, my body, and especially my new baby. 

THE PREGNANCY

When my second son was only 8 or 9 months old, Keenan told me he felt another child was eager to come to our family. My jaw dropped. I was tired. I couldn't imagine starting another pregnancy. I spent a month or so trying to forget about it before I, too, felt the window open to invite another little one to our life. After spending some time talking about details, deliberating about birth plans and finances, and perhaps putting it off a little (on my end), I took a positive pregnancy test on New Year's Day 2012. This ready little spirit was on his way.

With two boys already, Keenan and I decided it would be fun and suspenseful to discover the gender of this baby at birth. I avoided letting myself even lean one way or the other. One of the only times I slowed down enough to connect deeply with my baby was at a prenatal yoga class. For a brief moment in my mind, I saw a clear image of a baby boy, floating peacefully inside of me. I wasn't at all surprised when it turned out to be true.

Life was things things things straight until my Sept. 5 due date, the first day I started to feel settled. I had contractions all day that day, not extremely uncomfortable, but noticeable enough. They subsided around bedtime. Thursday the 6th was the first day I felt good about welcoming baby. I had a midwife appointment around noon, and though I hadn't planned to have a cervical exam, I decided it might help me gauge when my busy mom should be ready to fly out. I didn't think the baby would stay put through the weekend. Margo checked me and reported: 2+ cm dilated, 50% effaced, and baby in a very low position, -1 at the highest (0 position is the urge to push). Margo said that when labor started, it would go fast. Based on precedent (a 35-hour then a 24-hour labor), I had a hard time believing her. I was prepared for length.

STRENGTH FROM BEYOND

Late that evening, I started having a strong contraction here and there. Daniel had had a symptomless fever during the day, and we decided Keenan should give him a blessing while he was sleeping. Since he was in white shirt and tie, I asked for a blessing as well, knowing I would need it for my impending labor (whenever it may be). The spirit was palpable. My main impression coming away from it was that I was being attended from the other side by women from our families. I felt sure Keenan's mother was there, several of my grandmothers before, and felt distinct ties to my Heavenly Mother. There was a very maternal spirit about the whole experience. It seems logical that family from the other side would be invested in the passing of a spirit into mortality, but I was deeply connected to it during this labor. I felt their elevated understanding and reverence for the birth process, as well as their faith and prayers on behalf of my family. Even as I now reflect on this experience, I feel strong, tender ties to my deceased family. It seems fitting that our little boy received names that each appear on both sides of our family: James Theodore.

Contractions continued after the blessing. From about 11:00 on, they were 5-10 minutes apart, and fairly intense. We talked to Margo, and she said to call back when they were a solid 5 minutes. I still had a hard time believing that this was really it.  

I tried to sleep, but as in my previous labors, I couldn't take the contractions lying down. I felt like I was in active labor, but couldn't figure out where early labor could have gone!?! Still in denial, I took some supplements anyway and Keenan made me a shock tea. I was grateful to have him there with me. I really relied on his spiritual and physical support.

As I made my way through the kitchen to the studio where I planned to give birth, I noticed a large praying mantis on the kitchen curtain. We rarely see this friendly insect even outside, and I took it as a good omen. A google search on the symbolism of the mantis leads to words like: stillness, awareness, mindfulness, calm, intuition, a symbol of patience and endurance, a messenger of God, the eye of God. There couldn't be more fitting words for a laboring woman.

THE MIDWIVES ARRIVE

The house was more or less ready, but we gathered things together, just in case this was for real. We had planned to set up the birth tub the next morning, but thought maybe we should go ahead and do it now. We paged Margo when contractions were 4-5 minutes apart. She and Kelly started heading over. By the time they got here, contractions were closer to 2-3 minutes. Margo said as she entered, "You sound pretty active."  "Yeah," I responded.

My wonderful midwives, Margo and Kelly

She was going to help us with the tub, but I decided we probably couldn't get it pumped and filled in time. I would have been right.

I had really wanted my mom to be present at this birth with my boys, but it became clear she wasn't going to make it. We called my best friend, Carrie, who came down to take pictures and be with the boys when they awoke. She was a strengthening presence and blessing to me that morning, noticing where she might lend a hand, caring for my boys, preparing food, picking up Mom from the airport a few hours later. People often take us for sisters, and it certainly seems so to me.

As labor continued to progress, I would sometimes try to help Keenan and the midwives with the birth preparations between contractions (it was hard to relinquish that desire and stay in labor land!). As soon as a contraction hit, however, I was hanging on Meredith's birth rope, leaning over the futon, or sitting on the birth ball, and always calling for Keenan's strong counter-pressure hard on my sacrum. It brought such relief.

Birthday ice cream: raw raspberry

Even though we were up all night, I was so much more cognizant than I was at the end of my first two lengthy labors. I really enjoyed that a lot. In spite of the heightened intensity of a fast labor, it seemed easier because of that awareness.

TO PUSH OR NOT TO PUSH?

I always have the urge to push toward the end of transition, before I am fully dilated. In my first labor, I was so concerned about causing unnecessary swelling in my cervix, I held out until full dilation before pushing at all. I have never focused so acutely as I did during that first labor, and it paid off: the pushing, though very long, was not painful. With my second, my body unmercifully took over and resistance was futile. Daniel was born like a rocket, and the second stage was incredibly intense.

When I first started feeling pushy in this labor, I let myself do it, remembering that it didn't create a big problem in labor #2. I was really wanting the baby out, and thought that might help. After several contractions of intensifying pushing impulse, I let Kelly check me to see if I was good to go. I was at a 9, and she thought I ought to wait it out for a few more contractions. I tried hard not to push through these, but I was weary of the contractions, and wanted it all to end. Kelly suggested I lie on my side on the futon. I dreaded it would be too painful, but took her suggestion, hoping she might be able to hold the cervix back for baby to come through.

There was just a lip left to dilate, and my cervix stretched a little around baby as he descended. That was painful. Difficult as it is, I see greater value in intensifying my focus and patience through to full dilation as in my first labor (ending pain at the cervix). I was overwhelmed dealing with the ring of fire at the perineum while still experiencing cervical pain.

ANGUISH TO JOY

As he moved down the birth canal, there was an exciting splash into the air as my bag of waters gushed open, and I started to feel a burning as he crowned. I did not experience this infamous burning in my first two labors, and I wanted none of it. The midwives told me just to breathe (not to push willfully) in order to give my body time to stretch. It seemed impossible. Plus, I didn't want to. Somewhere in my mind, I think I preferred a tear to keeping that baby in any longer, especially when he was so close. "I can't!" I insisted. "You are," Margo countered. I felt like time was suspended as I tried with everything in me to simply breathe. It was surreal. Keenan told me he thought I should reach down and feel my baby's head. I was holding his hand tight and didn't want to let go, but I reluctantly reached down and felt the soft little head half-way out of me. That brought it all home. There was a baby being born, and he was mine. I waited another moment and then pushed him out. 4:58 AM. I pulled him up to my chest. He found air and started to cry. I hadn't seen whether he was a boy or a girl. Keenan lifted the towel to discover that he was indeed another boy. That felt right. As the midwives examined me, he gently cried and cried some more. I think we had the same feelings about it! My preoccupation with my own woes turned quickly into compassion for my baby's experience, and we commiserated together. Having him in my arms was joy.

A BROTHER'S WITNESS

Around 4:45 AM, we asked Carrie to wake 4-year-old Sammy so he could witness the birth. When she whispered to him in his bed that I was having our baby, he thought for a few seconds and responded, "Is this a dream?" He was well prepared with knowledge about how it worked and how I might act. He's always been an observer, internalizing everything, and very sensitive to people. I knew he could handle this. At first he came in and out of the room, trying to get comfortable. Then he watched in wonder: the delivery of baby and placenta, crying of baby with mama, the cutting of the cord, the smallness and newness of this little brother. It was a special start to their relationship. 2-year-old Daniel woke about an hour and a half after the birth and came to meet the baby. It was so sweet to share the experience together as a family at home.

Though my bleeding was minimal, Kelly said there was a little trickle that hadn't quite stopped, and that she might have to reach up and feel for any blood clots. Margo gave me an herbal tincture to help and I asked Keenan to fix me another shock tea. I drank it down quickly, the cayenne sizzling my throat. The bleeding stopped almost immediately. That was that.

Eventually I moved into my bedroom to get comfortable and nurse the baby, who latched on with ease, I'm grateful to say. The midwives did a newborn exam and announced his 8 lbs. 13 oz. and 21.5 inches. My labor was 6 hours long. Completely unexpected, but welcome.

James seemed a little unsure about being here at first. He slept for several days, waking only to eat, and keeping his eyes tight shut. We finally started seeing his deep blue eyes as he found ours. He is so sweet and sincere, responsive and easy-going. I have been given a very strong love for him, perhaps to meet his call for security, perhaps as an answer to my own prayers. Keenan and I both feel that he will grow to be a great strength to his family.

One month old

Visualizations from Conception to Birth

Happy New Year!

Take a few minutes and enjoy this awe-inspiring Ted talk by Alexander Tsiaras. I love that someone so steeped in the scientific community will openly attribute creation to divinity. 

The more you know, the more you realize how much you don't know. Enjoy.

Brian Kershisnik's "Nativity"



Brian Kershisnik's Nativity

My sister sent me this video of Brian Kershisnik (my favorite modern painter) talking informally to a group of children. I thought it was really wonderful and insightful. I appreciated the new perspective on this oft recited story, and I hope you can get something out of it too.

Frederick

Fred and me at 39 weeks. Love those cell phone shots!

This is the story of Fred's birth. I am copying this from a little journal I am keeping for him, so it is written to him.

The night before you were born I did a very silly thing. Your dad and I were watching a show, (Downton Abbey, in case you're interested), and decided to watch one more episode. The episode was entitled "Christmas at Downton", and so I thought it would be a regular Christmas special, about 20 minutes long... It turned out to be almost an hour and a half long, and we didn't get into bed until after 1 am.

I took the risk of staying up that late because I had been having timable contractions for about a month, and you hadn't decided to come. So I had declared to myself that I wouldn't anticipate it anymore, I would pretend we were going to be bosom buddies forever!

I fell asleep quickly, but slept very fitfully. I kept semi-waking, feeling uncomfortable. I assumed in my drowsy brain that I needed to use the bathroom, but I kept slipping into sleep again. Finally I got up. It took only a few minutes before I realized why I'd been so uncomfortable: I was having some very motivating contractions. I sat there through a few powerful ones trying to decide if I was hallucinating. I think I was there for half an hour before I decided to come out and wake up your father.

I realized at that time it had only been and hour and a half since we gotten to bed. I felt so alive and energetic, though. I woke your dad, and we laid in bed and smooched for a while. We were thrilled we would be meeting you soon.

Pretty soon the contractions were a little too uncomfortable to be lying down, so we got up and called Richelle.

Katy, Richelle's assistant, got here first. Richelle and Sharla, Richelle's other assistant, arrived a little later. I just need to express how much I love these women. They each did specific small things that really stand out as making this journey so lovely to look back on. They are wonderful!

My contractions were about 4 or 5 minutes apart, and were easy enough to integrate at first. It was a real change being able to have conversation during labor. (My water broke first with George's, and so it was quite intense from the start really.) I was able to joke and laugh, it was really nice.

I spent that time walking around the kitchen, pausing here and there to hold a chair during a contraction. Little by little my energy began to fade, and it became a little harder for me to be around the people who were present to give support. I retreated to the bathroom, turned on the fan to drown out any noise, and leaned over the sink. Sometimes I held onto the towel rack.

I had gotten into a rhythm of swaying my hips from side to side, and that released some of the intensity of the contractions. And I even found myself dozing off as I leaned over the sink. After some time I ventured out, but the buzz of conversation was too much for me on some mental level. I walked into a bedroom nearby and found a bar in the closet that was just the right height for me to hang from. It was so relieving! So for a while I went back and forth from leaning over the sink in the bathroom, to hanging in the closet of the room next to it.

After having so little sleep, my energy was waning, and it was becoming harder to integrate the contractions. I began to pray for more strength. And soon I was praying more earnestly that the time to push would come.

My midwife and I had discussed before hand that I did not want to be told how and when to push. I believe so strongly that the body knows instinctively when this should happen -- a woman does not need to be told, save in very rare circumstances, when she should push. It is so empowering and much easier on the body to allow the body to take control at that point.

After saying those prayers, I strayed out of the bathroom into the kitchen. Your dad walked in and just smiled at me. I love him so much! We kissed during a few contractions, which was so nice and grounding. I cried a little as I told him it was getting a little difficult. The contractions were so strong at this point. He told me that Richelle had mentioned she could check my dilation, and if it was alright, break that bag of waters you were in. It could help speed things up. I felt instinctively that was the answer to my prayers that I would be able to push soon.

I came into the front room, where everything was set up, and Richelle asked me to lean over our yoga ball as she made her assessment. I was dilated 7cm, and our bag of waters was sagging through my cervix, (I intentionally call it 'our bag of waters', since it was part of both he and me). I'm not sure how it works, but Richelle told us that can slow dilation. I'm so grateful for a loving God who heard my prayers, and for a midwife who was the conduit through which he was able to answer.

Richelle ruptured the bag of waters, and the contractions came on strong. I have heard, and truly believe, that having a grateful heart makes labor and birth a nicer and faster experience. So I stood holding Richelle's hand on one side, and your dad's hand on the other, swaying and chanting all of the things I was grateful for.

Richelle sang you a nice song at one point. "Come baby. Come.", were the words. It was so soothing to me.

I am much more comfortable standing in labor, but something came over me to kneel. I knelt leaning over the yoga ball, and asked if we could say a prayer. Your father offered a lovely and short prayer for me, for strength, and again that I would be able to push soon. I was so tired by this point.

Directly after that prayer I recognized changes in the contraction -- slowly I realized my body was preparing to push.

I didn't say say anything to alert anyone it was happening. I remember thinking to myself that Richelle would know, because she is so good at reading a laboring mother's energy. And she did. She quietly knelt near me, and had your dad come to where he could catch you.

It had only been a half hour from the time Richelle had ruptured the waters, to the time you came. It was so nice, and actually felt good to allow my body to just push with each contraction. I didn't really even have to bear down, as they say, my body was just doing this amazing thing!

I could feel you making your way down slowly. I was praying, and praying the whole time. (God is really with a laboring woman.) Your dad proudly announced that you had lots of hair -- we now had two babies born with so much hair, you and your brother George. It was so good to hear about you as you were emerging!

Then your head was out, but you had such broad shoulders, you didn't rotate so the rest of you could slide out. I needed to stand. That moment is so intense, I thought that I couldn't. Katy and Sharla came to each arm and helped me stand, and move my legs to give you more room. And then again, they helped me to kneel. And with a mighty push, and some great warrior noises, you were born! Your father caught you, and told me that we had another son.

And then, to steal a phrase from another mother's story, I was joy. It was so beautiful. You cried, which surprised me, because my first babe had been so quiet when he was born. But it was so wonderful to hear you as we met face to face.

Your face was blue, even for a newborn, from our experience of you having such broad shoulders. So I called you my little blue man.

Live in Thanksgiving Daily

For me, Thanksgiving is the warmest time of the year, surpassing even Christmas by its lack of consumerism. It's so much more than a feast. It's a unique time to express gratitude for our blessings. A welcome reminder to "live in thanksgiving daily" (Alma 34:38).

The Lord has blessed me abundantly. Myriad little things aside, I am grateful for my family, for my knowledge of the gospel, for motherhood, for my friends, for my health, for my heritage, for freedom, for our means, for access to good food, for my love affair with great music, and can I say, for my red hair? (Never understood Anne Shirley's laments.) I could go on and on.

My children are my greatest treasures. 

One of my husband's spiritual gifts is a grateful heart. He feels it genuinely and deeply, expresses it often, and expects our boys to learn to do the same. Here are some things we have done to instill this chief virtue in our children:

• We try to be examples by saying thank you often, both to each other and to them. 
• We coach them in thanking Heavenly Father specifically during prayer. 
• We try to speak gratefully of good deeds done by others. 
• We give gentle reminders if the boys forget to thank, but more and more, they don't forget. 
• We've recently started a tradition of each saying one thing we're grateful for before family prayer. It's a great way to bring peace to the evening.

Source

Thanksgiving is a fun time to count our numberless blessings. Last year, Sammy and I started taping blessings on the living room wall during home preschool we do with a friend, and continued to add ideas throughout the month.

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This year, we made a turkey with a blessing on every tail feather. Instead of asking, "What are you grateful for?" I asked, "What has Heavenly Father given you to make your life good?"

As I have made efforts to become more grateful over the years, I have noticed heavenly results. Gratitude is unifying. It is healing. It is humbling and strengthening. It enhances one's quality of life. Not to mention...

"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more" (D&C 78:19).

What are you exceedingly grateful for?

How do you teach gratitude to your children?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Weekly Planning

As we get ready for our third baby and simultaneously send our oldest off to preschool, we have realized that our lives are suddenly getting more complicated and probably won't get less complicated again until we're empty-nesters.  Sad prospect, I know.  We realized we can "get by" by hanging on and being surprised as each day comes, or we can grab this bull by the horns and stay on top of it (you know--tell our life and schedule what to do instead of it telling us what to do--act and not be acted upon).

To this end, I made a template that Andrew and I use every Sunday night as a reference during our new Weekly Planning Meeting.  Sounds exciting, right?  It really has been great for us. We address everything on the list weekly, unless otherwise noted.  We re-save the template with the date in our files and take notes on what we talk about for our records.

Here's the basic outline:

Weekly Planning Meeting

VMV

Once a month we review our Vision, Mission, Values Statement

Family Assessment

Here we talk about our family as a whole, our relationship as a couple, and each individual.  We talk about the family as a whole every week, but the individuals are on an as-needed basis, and at least monthly.  It breaks down like this:

Family:

• What is the current spiritual state of the family?
• Is there anything that needs to be addressed?

Marriage Relationship:

• What is our current spiritual state as a couple?
• Is there anything that needs to be addressed?

For each person:

• Give a compliment to the individual
• How is he/she doing emotionally, physically, spiritually?
• What can I (we) do to serve him/her better?

Scheduling

Source

• Weekly Calendar Items (our template links to our google calendar)
• Future Calendar Items
• To Do List (we use toodledo.com)

Financial Planning

Mint.com is a wonderful, free online resource for budgeting.  It links all your accounts and keeps track of your budget.  This section would be different for everyone, depending on what they're working on, but here are some possible discussion points:

• Review accounts and previous week's expenditures
• Any big payments coming up?
• Pay credit card
• Review "To Buy List"*
• Long-term savings
• Budget
• Emergency fund
• Donations
• Financial goals

The "To Buy List" is a Word doc we've created to curb our spending.  If we think of something we "need" or "want" (if it's not a legitimate emergency), we put it on the list where it sits for a month before we decide if it's really worth fitting into the budget, and if it really needs to be bought right away.  When we do this, we often find that it's a) something we don't need, or b) something we can put off buying because we want other things more.

Other

Is there anything else we need to address?

And that's it! This planning session has really assisted us on a number of levels. On the most basic level, it has brought an awareness of what we have going on in our calendar, family, and bank accounts. On another level it has provided a forum to discuss the important/not urgent items in these categories that could easily be overlooked or forgotten until they become urgent. It has enhanced our interdependent relationship as a couple as we have a dedicated time to talk about our relationship, our children, and our family. We talk frequently about these subjects outside of the meeting, but as life gets busier it will be essential that we have this time set aside for such conversations. Above all, it has increased our love, discipline, and synergy. 

What recommendations do you have for planning as a family/couple/individual? Any suggestions for prompts we're missing in any of the categories? Any cool apps that would keep us more consistently aware of the plans throughout the week?