Rachel Reed

Have you ever heard of Rachel Reed? She is so many things, such as midwife, university lecturer, Doctor of Philosophy, and the writer of the beautiful blog Midwife Thinking. She carries with her knowledge for women who want good birth experiences, and for those who have had bad ones, she can help bring healing. She is compassionate. 

I would here like to introduce you to her writings, because she has been such a solid voice for me in my travelings in and out of the world of labor and delivery. She is honest and forthright, and she is kind. She cares very much for mothers. I wish we were neighbors to be honest.

I hope you can glean as much from her as I have. If you already know of her, which of her blog posts have you loved best? It is difficult to say, but I think these two might be my favorite. (Each word there has a different link.)

Have a lovely night!

P.s. If you click on her 'about' tab, you will find her resume. It is beyond impressive!

How to be Gentle to a Postpartum Mother

A few years ago, our darling sister, Ariel, wrote a wonderful post about how to speak to a pregnant woman. I loved it, and thought I might write a post about how to speak to a postpartum woman. To preface this conversation, I should mention that this may seem like, "Wow, I've had a lot of really crummy conversation right after I've had each of my children. I want to tell you about each of them. In great detail." I haven't, for each of these unfortunate experiences, I've had probably a thousand good ones. But there has been a lingering bite to some of these, and I think it is something we would all, myself included, do well to consider for the future.

1. Don't assume a mother wants, or doesn't want company. Just ask.
Giving birth is such a personal thing, and affects every mother differently. For me, each postpartum experience has been vastly different. Sometimes I have craved company, others I have relished time alone. There is no shame in asking how the mother is feeling, and if she would like company. Postpartum is a terrible time to be burdened with company you don't have the energy for. Which leads me to my next point...

2. If you visit, don't overstay your welcome.
The day my second son was born, I was in the restroom when I heard a knock at the front door. It was a lovely neighbor bringing us a meal. It was beyond thoughtful! She then sat and chatted. And chatted. And chatted... I was hiding in the bathroom, because I had just birthed a 10 lb. bowling ball after a 9 hour labor, and didn't have the energy for guests. I finally came out and sat on the couch, and my neighbor continued to chat... I honestly don't remember the resolution to that visit, (did I mention I was tired?) all I know is that it made me cry. That is a rather grandiose example, though. There was that other time I visited my friend whose baby was a month old, and time got away from me because our sons were playing so nicely together. And then my friend suddenly stood up inexplicably... oh wait, no. She was just trying to get the message to me that we should have left a while ago. (We had been there an hour.) Let's just all remember to make visits short, or again, find some way of asking what the mother needs.

3. Don't make commentary on the size of family she ought to have. Also, don't assume she is planning on a large, or small family. 

Does this make anyone immediately awkward? It does me. After my second son was born, a lovely lady brought us dinner. I mentioned it being busy taking care of a new baby, and his not-yet-two-year-old older brother. She said, "Well, but then once you have your sixth or seventh, you'll see it gets easier, because the older kids will help with the younger while you are with the newest..." And she just beamed at me! Honestly, this woman can't get sweeter. She is a very good woman. But I had just had my second child days before, and was not in a hurry to jump into another pregnancy. To be blunt I didn't want more than two. And being extremely tired, and having just had a baby, I cried after she left. I honestly felt like a bad person for the literal revulsion I felt over the thought of being the mother of that many children. I've come to terms with it. Have you? Let's all remember it is none of our business how many children other people have. Assume the best, they are in close contact with God about it. He is just fine with people having large families, he is equally just fine with people having small families. The end.

4. If she confides in you about a difficulty that stemmed from giving birth, the proper response is ALWAYS, "That must be so difficult. I'm so sorry!"
I feel like this should be self-explanatory, but just incase someone missed this life lesson, if a mother tells you she has been suffering from depression since her baby was born, just hug her for crying out loud! Or, if she had a bad birth experience, don't tell her how things could have been worse. By all means, please don't tell her it could have been better if she had chosen to birth in different way. Ugh. I may have been guilty of this one, being a natural birth junky. Dear Universe, I am so very sorry for being inadvertently rude...

5. Don't make a commitment to help the postpartum mother, unless you know you can keep it.
These stories are shared with the permission of those involved. When I was expecting my third child, I made arrangements for my sister to come stay with me for the first week when my husband went back to work. (Seriously, am I the only person for whom that first week of being alone with all of the children, new and old, is terrifying?? It always turns out fine, but there is no masking that it is just a difficult time.) Well, plans didn't turn out as smoothly as we had thought, and I spent the first two days without any help at all. As I said, it turned out fine, but for a woman who had been expecting help, to suddenly not have it... I felt like I was drowning in babies. It was actually really harrowing. One more example to drive this one home: I have a friend who had just had her third baby, and her mom called saying she wanted to come get her older children the next morning. My friend said she could almost taste the sleep. The time for her mom to pick up the kiddies came and went, but she finally called to say she was running late. Then an hour later she called again and said she was still running late. Three hours later than when she said she would be there, she called and said she would try again the next day. (I'm not making this up.) Please, please, please, please, don't try to be helpful by promising something you cannot deliver. We all understand life is busy -- boy is it ever! It is far less offensive, though, to have someone not offer help, then to offer it at such a crucial juncture, and not fulfill.

6. For heaven's sake (literally), please stop judging. Just stop. Really.

So there was this one time a group of my friends were talking about how sometimes women use having a baby to get out of their church callings, or not go to church for a month or more at a time. I wanted to raise my hand and say, "Been there. Done that." Like that time I was a brand new mother to my first son, and was given a time intensive calling in our the primary presidency (the children's organization of our church). I got bronchitis a week later, and was struggling with nursing because my milk supply was low from the fever and being sick -- I could not drag myself to make it to the presidency meeting that week, and so the wonderful women I was in the presidency with (one who didn't have children at the time, and another who was very honest about the fact that she had never wanted any), had taken off from work, but then there wasn't a meeting to go to because I wasn't there. And then every Sunday I would be performing some function where I couldn't be feeding my new baby, (sometimes babies want to nurse at inconvenient moments, let's be honest. I won't apologize for wanting to feed my month old baby.) and so someone else would be holding him in the hallway, and he would be crying. And so he would fall asleep crying in the hallway on Sunday's. Call me a baby, but it was too much for me. I asked to be released. And then there was that time when I had had my third baby, (whose pregnancy was a surprise, by the way), and I was slammed by postpartum depression, and I felt like I was drowning, so I asked to be released as a visiting teacher, because I wasn't making it to appointments anyway.... I'm not depressed anymore, but being a mom to three kids in three years is just really intense. I still haven't asked to be reinstated as a VT, yet. Taking care of my best time investments ever positively fills my plate, to be honest. And God has told me repeatedly that he is OK with this arrangement. Let's just not go there, friends. We don't know how that new mother is feeling. It does not matter if it her first, fifth, or tenth, just call her blessed, and then make room for her and her family's needs.

We all have our stories. Let's all learn together so we can be better sisters to those around us. Do you have any experiences you'd like to share? Please feel free, you are in a safe place here.

Yin and Yang

My mother is in Argentina right now, and has had something of a monastic two weeks by herself to contemplate and meditate.  In her weekly letter to family, she included this brilliant piece about Yin and Yang.  It's worth a read, and will give you some food for thought for your weekend.  With her permission, I share it now.

In prayer and reflection time, I've thought of the concepts that eastern philosophies have words for the energy balances we need in our lives--yin and yang (my feng shui teacher insisted that we pronounce yang in a way that rhymes with "song," not the orange breakfast drink!) Life would probably have been easier for me if we had words for them in English. As I understand them, they acknowledge that a balance of both energies in each system (a life, a family, a home, a country, etc.) is ideal for well-being. 

Yin, known as the female energy, is receptive, quiet, nurturing, characterized by listening, hearing, understanding, mercy, beauty, winter, the moon and night. The male yang is a bright energy of activity and growth, action, and justice. It is dynamic and powerful, characterized by the sun, speaking, acting and giving. These characteristics should not be confused with the genders they represent, as all people have, or should have elements of both in their being, though the gender association is surely not accidental. In my unofficial observation of marriages for example, I think that in some cases the wife is the more yang and the husband more yin of the two. It probably doesn't matter.

They both sound good to me in my own extremely yin season, and yang sounds especially good at the moment.

Together, they represent perfection (think of the yin/yang symbol). But each energy in its excess leads to dis-ease. Yin can cave in on itself, and implode in sloth and inaction. Yang is hurried and competitive. Unmoderated, it leads to enmity, thoughtlessness, aggression, insensitivity and violence. Ultimately, it explodes. Consider young men at war. (Hugh Nibley's article "Matriarchy and Patriarchy" has informed my thinking on this, and is probably another way of looking at the same energies). It's interesting to consider the tendencies toward violence and ugliness (in my opinion) of very yang societies which repress or pervert yin energies, such as some in the Middle East. According to Nibley, yin societies stagnate.

As I have considered this tension, I believe one of the reasons that the world is heading toward its prophesized violent combustive ending is that yang energy is generally (but not completely) ruling the world, and increasing. Eckhart Tolle has mentioned this (see A New Earth). In some corners, yin energy is growing, as seen in the growing popularity of yoga, and meditation.

But generally, we are in a period of increasing speed of almost everything, including travel and communication, and living in general. We no longer recite or listen to poetry, sit together, visit one another, go for walks, or watch the sun set.We don't even write much, generally. (Most TV watching seems the worst of both worlds--utterly useless inaction spent watching an aggressive, self-focused yang world.) This has been coming on for a long time now, and much of it is due to technology, (which I mostly adore), but which obscures the natural rhythms of life--the gathering of darkness in winter, the cold which drives us inside to be together, to talk, to read and to listen. Now, it's always daytime, and we can always, day and night, tell and hear some new thing (Acts 17:21). Some may think this is not to be regretted, and candidly, I'm not sure how many poetry recitations I'm prepared to sit through at the moment. But I do think we are off balance when sensitivity, gentleness and growing things like marriages and children take too much time, as we rush headlong through hard and often thoughtless, activity-driven living; likewise when, as Elder Christofferson mentioned, women characters have joined the killers in video games. (And, to be current, when somehow it is weakness to negotiate compromises in a representative government, so that shallow, unexamined ideologies and enmity rule.)

My thoughts today have been that in the gospel, the Lord honors both yin and yang energies, and asks us to do the same. The Savior, with only three years in which to teach the gospel and organize His church, resorted often to personal prayer and reflection, often leaving the masses of people who wouldn't leave Him alone. (Sometimes He left them miraculously.) He made time for quiet conversation with individuals at the edges of wells, and in the midnight hour. He took naps on boats! His yang activities were mighty--cleansing the temple twice, feeding the multitudes (probably also twice), preaching at the temple many times. But He sought time with His Father always. The prophet Joseph Smith, the kingdom builder, also took much time for meditation and prayer. How he ever did anything but appear in court with the hundreds of accusations thrown against him is a mystery to me!

In the gospel, the sacrament, scripture study, prayer and temple worship are surely critical yin activities. Missionary work, service of so many kinds, provident living, and much of family life are usually mostly yang. All are essential. I think that yin energy may be growing in the Church, to its great benefit, as yang grows in the world, as the role of women in the family and society is celebrated as it was by many speakers in this conference, including Sister Stephens and Elder Christofferson and others. The importance of yin devotional time ("Abide with Me") is pared with yang work and energy ("Put your Shoulder to the Wheel"). We heard messages of "Never look back at what you have done. Look at what you still have to do," with "If you don't take time to be well, you will surely take time to be sick." And we are taught to take time to make sure we have the Spirit of the Lord with us as we engage in the yang work of teaching, serving and doing missionary work.

This weekend, I have felt the Lord's assurances that in my life, both yin and yang energies are essential, and that the Lord will allow time and strength for both, if I seek them, regardless of what my responsibilities now or in the future may be.

Lark Galli's Women's Conference Talk

Meredith had a great post a month ago called "Body Love."  Loving our bodies is something I've thought a lot about, especially since I have had children, particularly a girl. How can I teach my children to have a deep appreciation with their bodies?  How can I teach my daughter to think her body is beautiful? My mom, Lark Galli, gave a wonderful women's conference talk this year on the topic, and she said I could post it here for any people who might be interested.

But first, a free plug for her wonderful new book!  It's called "Under a Leafless Tree: The Story of a Mormon Girl from East Prussia."  It's a compilation of stories she recorded for the last ten years of a remarkable woman in her ward who had amazing experiences as a young mother during WWII.

And now, her talk:

Dear Sisters, I’m grateful to be with you and Sister Rosenlof this afternoon. After dropping our daughter off at high school last week, my husband, our bishop, called me. He just had to tell me how sad he was to see the young women walking into the school wearing such short shorts and short skirts. “I worry for the girls and the boys, he said.” These young women, many of them members of the church, are stuck between trying to meet standards set for them by the world, and those anchored in the gospel.
As you know, since earth’s first days, Satan has sought to turn women from their true identity. Our great grandmothers suffered these afflictions in every land and time. And as we also know, Satan still rages against women. But though the battle is fierce, he will lose it, and he is losing it, because of the restored gospel, and the power of our Redeemer.
Around 1830, the dawning light of the gospel began to peel back the old veil of darkness, exposing to those with ears to hear and eyes to see ancient lies about the nature of women and men and revealing their true destiny. Today, we’ll consider just a few of these doctrines, and how they can strengthen us as women so that we can reject the world’s false standards while helping others to do the same. 
I agree with Wordsworth that most of us arrive on earth happily, “trailing clouds of glory from God, who is our home.” This makes me think of a young woman with whom I recently spent a few days. She is balding, heavy for her age, and somewhat physically challenged. Her speech is limited, yet she is uncommonly self-assured, willing to shine her smile on those around her. Her name is Evelyn Bea, and she is 7 months old. Many infants and children like Evelyn Bea seem to know that they are naturally beautiful, wise and good, but that enthusiasm inside most of us suffers before too long in this wilderness of earth.
Many years ago I entered a bedroom and discovered a thirteen-year old girl sitting quietly and very sadly in front of a mirror, her eyes red from crying. She meant so much to me, and her sadness was so evident that I have felt its pain through all these years. I’m not sure what her troubles were that day, but I’m pretty sure she did not like what she saw in that mirror. To paraphrase Wordsworth again, “shades of the prison-house begin to close upon the growing (girl),”  resulting in very sad looks in the mirror for many young women. For some of us, the sad looks and feelings never stop.
The restored gospel holds the keys to our recovery. Through it, we discover knowledge that has been long forgotten: namely, that we are literal daughters of Heavenly Parents, in their very image. This identity as divine women can never under any circumstances at all be removed from us. The proclamation about the family makes this clear. “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. “  
Thus, as Latter-day Saint women, we know that we have a long, unremembered history as spirit daughters in our Heavenly Parents’ realm, and we will continue to be theirs after we leave this world, every one of us. Like the queens and princesses of fairy tales, no matter how dirty, lost, or unrecognized, or even badly behaved we may be on earth, we are of divine lineage. That is permanent. Though at times we may feel like ugly ducklings, that will not change the reality that genetically we are swans. We are by nature divine women.
This knowledge explains our high standards of behavior in the Church, and can bless us every day as we build our lives upon it. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make.”  
In many ways, Sister Elaine Dalton exemplifies to me a woman who embraces and shares this truth, as she did this last conference. We have heard her clarion call for virtue, and her confident declarations that one virtuous woman can change the world. We have seen her dedication to personal purity. Hers is a path of holiness. Her example of divine womanhood strengthens me, and I’m grateful to her for reminding us of our true worth.
Through doctrines of the restoration, we have also learned that motherhood is part of our divine capacity; not the motherhood the world sees as a temporary job, but the motherhood that is our nature, as Fatherhood is the nature of our Heavenly Father. As women, this is an aspect of our identity regardless of whether we have born children here on earth. I have long loved what Elder Holland’s wife Sister Patricia Holland said on this subject: “Eve was given the identity of 'the mother of all living'— years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity…. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words— with meaning after meaning after meaning…. It is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.  
The meanings in this rich doctrine of motherhood are beyond the scope of our discussion for today, but we can remember it when we make daily decisions. It reminds me of a young mother and an everyday adventure she recently told me. See if you can picture this. She was on a rare shopping trip with her four year old and two year old little boys and her beautiful baby daughter, who was riding heavily on her hip. Slung somewhere on her arms were her diaper bag and bags of her purchases. At the top of an escalator, the two year old, who was holding the hand of the four year old, lost his balance and started to fall, threatening to send the entire bunch tumbling down the steps. The four year old kept hold on his brother, but couldn’t keep his ground, either. As the boys began to fall, somehow their mother hoisted the entire pack of babes and bags to safety in the nick of time. While recovering from the scare and assessing his own profound strength, the four year old turned, looked at his mom in amazement and said, “You are strong. You are very strong!” to which she replied, “Yes, I am very strong.” I love that she said that, and I told her so! She told me that as she goes throughout her days, she repeats the phrase often, sometimes out loud: “I am very strong”. That is a powerful affirmation of her nature as a mother. As I observe her, I believe that her strength comes because she is firmly rooted in her divine nature, both physically and spiritually. 
In what other area of women’s lives could the world’s and the Lord’s standards be more at odds than how we view and use our bodies? Through the gospel we understand that, lacking a body himself, Satan distorts the true beauty of women as he prompts them to disparage and abuse their bodies at every age. Through the media, he promotes impossible standards and grotesque notions of attractiveness, many of which require damaging or immodestly displaying our bodies. 
The other day I was in and out of clothing stores and noticed that almost all of the clothes on the mannequins were pinned several inches in the back around the midsection, making them appear thinner than they would on an actual person. That means that any time 99% of us put on the same clothes, they will look different on us, and maybe not so good to our eyes. That’s just one little discouraging trick in Satan’s toolbox. With the Holy Ghost, we can know him for who he is, and refuse to let him determine how we view our bodies. 
Through revealed doctrine, we know that our bodies are essential elements of our eternal souls. How it would astonish the world to learn that our bodies make us more, and not less like God! The Doctrine and Covenants teaches that, “The spirit and the body are the soul of man [and woman]” (D&C 88:15), and that “Spirit and element together receive a fullness of joy” (D&C 93:33). The prophet Joseph Smith further taught, “The great principle of happiness consists in having a body.” 
Knowing this, we can set aside impulses to despise and damage our bodies and instead truly enjoy them, for we are their inseparable partners forever. Which actually reminds me of the thirteen year old with the red eyes sitting before the mirror that I mentioned earlier. Guess what? She grew up! In the years after that sad day, that girl began to lay hold on the gospel, and she became happier. Now as a mother and grandmother she lives in and enjoys her body. She sings, and teaches refugees to speak English. She employs her feet, back, and hands to plant and share harvest from her garden, and her mind to study. Almost daily, rain or shine, she opens her front door and launches out into a nearby canyon or neighborhood on foot, bicycle, or even on a scooter. She listens to her body and strives to keep it well. As she does this, her contentment with who she is radiates. Simply by her example, she is blessing the women around her.
I’m a little bit behind her. Can we get right to business and talk about the swimsuit test? The other day I was in a crowded swimming pool, playing with our family. I became self-conscious about how I looked in my swimsuit. Is it my imagination, or is this an almost universal story? With my proportions, I have always felt a little funny in a swimsuit, and as I age, I have found more reasons to do so. So I began to feel self-conscious, and somehow even ashamed. I wasn’t having fun. Then I stopped and looked around. I considered that of dozens of swimmers in the pool that day, I was the person who cared the most about how I looked. If fact, I might have been the only one who cared at all! Others were probably just fine seeing another grandmother in the pool in a grandmother body. Our grandson only cared that we were together, and that I was willing to go down the big slide with him. I thought I’m a grandma because I worked hard for a long time at being a mama. Being a grandma is a gift. It’s OK to look like one. This little lecture wasn’t easy to give myself, but it helped. I felt I had won a small victory. 
These beautiful doctrines of the divine nature of women can bless us, but could also discourage us, if, like I did at the pool, we feel we are very far from that potential, and so inundated by forces against our happiness. So what is the true source of our confidence while we wait for perfection? The Source is the Lord Jesus Christ, and His almighty Atonement. In it lies every righteous hope of every woman on earth. Our growing understanding of the Atonement is the best gift of the restoration of the gospel. Sisters, I wish we could speak only of Jesus Christ and His love today. As it is, I testify with you, for you know it too, that our freedom as women lies in His saving grace, which we experience every day. I like what Brother Brad Wilcox, who speaks here tomorrow, says. “Christ said, ‘Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men’ (Matthew 4:19), but let’s occasionally leave off a few words and hear Him saying, ‘Follow me, and I will make you.’”   I truly love that: “Follow me, and I will make you!”
By following the Lord, we will reach our destination as divine women, and along the way, strengthen others. The path is familiar and well worn, and marked by covenants and promises. It leads directly through the temple. The temple is the earthly type of our Heavenly Home, a welcome refuge from the world, a House of Glory and a House of God. There we find these truths of our divine nature in clarity, and we commune with our Heavenly Parents. As I considered Sister Dalton, the young mother at the top of the escalator and the grandma on the scooter, to my surprise, I realized they have something in common: all three of them anchor their lives in the temple. It is a centerpiece of their worship. From there they frequently go forth armed with power, with the Lord’s name upon them, and His glory round about them.  Through the temple they are becoming godly women. 
Sisters, I have felt that we here in this room today are well on our paths to uncovering our divine potential. That’s what the gospel does. It’s what Women’s Conference is about, too. We should be encouraged by our progress! As we strive to keep our covenants and worship in the temple, we are following our blueprint home. This progress is probably easier to see in others than in ourselves, so look around at the godly women on either side of you, and in the various classrooms, and be encouraged. Most likely, you are one of them, a Latter-day Saint woman of faith.
My experience is that as we increasingly embrace our own divine potential, we come to see potential more readily in every other person, beginning with those who are nearest to us: our husbands, parents, children, co-workers, and neighbors. We realize more profoundly that each of them is an eternal being, too, and we become less critical. Suddenly no one at all is too old, too uneducated, too unattractive or too different from us, for we have grown in the gift of charity. And this charity encompasses even ourselves! 
Not long ago, our daughter reminded me that it is not very convincing if we tell our daughters, granddaughters and Young Women, “You are beautiful, but I am not,” “You are important, but I am not.” “You are smart, but I am not.” I was forced to admit that my daughters would benefit much more from my confidence than my insecurities. And my confidence is rooted in my covenant partnership with the Author and Finisher of my salvation, He who heals every woman.
It is our healing, after all, and not our perfection, which will inspire the healing of others. As former professor of ancient scripture Catherine Thomas says, “Why do some of us learn valuable parenting lessons after it seems mostly too late to incorporate them? Perhaps because it is never too late, really, in the eternal scheme of things. It seems that when Mother gets better, everyone in the family gets better—no matter how old the children are.”  She says, “I have learned that it is a true principle that I needed to fix myself before I could begin to be truly helpful to anyone else. . . . I learned that I had to focus on getting well and leave off trying to cure anyone around me!”  
I hope we consider the impact of our healing on the lives of other women. As simple as it sounds, our own happiness and well-being can help them counter Satan’s lies that women are unattractive, powerless or ineffective. Sisters, the doctrines of divine nature, which we love, can be difficult for our younger sisters in the gospel to lay hold on, and they are simply unavailable to the great majority of the women of the world. We must remember that we can help, just by believing in and embracing them ourselves with our Savior at our sides. 
The influence of Latter-day Saint women on the women of the world is a matter of prophecy. If you’re sort of old, like I am, you might remember hearing President Kimball say these words to the women of the Church. They have never left my mind: “Finally, my dear sisters, may I suggest to you something that has not been said before or at least in quite this way. Much of the major growth that is coming to the Church in the last days will come because many of the good women of the world (in whom there is often such an inner sense of spirituality) will be drawn to the Church in large numbers. This will happen to the degree that the women of the Church reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives and to the degree that the women of the Church are seen as distinct and different—in happy ways—from the women of the world.” 
That is our challenge: to reflect righteousness, and be seen as distinct and different—in happy ways—from the women of the world. So we are supposed to be peculiar! And we will be noticed more and more. Just ask your teenager! The women of the world, including our own young women in the short shorts and skirts in our neighborhoods, are fighting a tsunami of opposition to their divine nature. Please look around, and you will see it. Waves of sexualization, trivialization and distraction wash over them at work and school and home. As Latter-day Saint sisters, mothers and grandmothers, we can plant ourselves on the solid rock of our Redeemer, raise the lanterns of our faith, and reach into the surging waters for their hands. 
As I mentioned at the beginning, with the restoration of the gospel in 1830, shadows on the lives of women began to flee. Not just for Latter-day Saints, but for all of the women in the world! This is a stunning truth. The restored gospel has truly brought the dawning of a brighter day, and with our young and growing army of sister missionaries; its light is surely growing brighter.   I feel so very excited for the good that they will do. They were prepared to share their lights, and so are we. Our acts may seem small, but their effect will be great. 
Speaking of the organization of the Relief Society, President George Albert Smith declared to the women of the Church, “You are … more blessed than any other women in all the world. You were the first women to have the franchise; the first women to have a voice in the work of a church. It was God that gave it to you and it came as a result of revelation to a Prophet of the Lord. Since that time, think what benefits the women of this world have enjoyed. . . . When the Prophet Joseph Smith turned the key for the emancipation of womankind, it was turned for all the world.”  This last line is quoted in the book, Daughters in My Kingdom: “When the Prophet Joseph Smith turned the key for the emancipation of womankind, it was turned for all the world.” 
Sisters, we have a prophetic work to do. Our foreordained assignment is to lead the way forward as women who know themselves and understand their heavenly origin, despite opposition from earth and hell. We will be seen as daughters of Christ who abide in Him. The strength and well being in our lives is and will be a beacon for women everywhere. We must not make the mistake of underestimating our influence. I am reminded of a quote by J. R. R. Tolkien: “Such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world. Small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.”  
If I could show you my heart, it would declare that our Heavenly Parents love their daughters. They know that before our Savior descended below all things, we, their daughters, fell too, seemingly far from their loving embraces, and we lost our way. Our Heavenly parents have heard the cries of all the women of the world. And through the gospel, they have restored precious knowledge of whom and whose we really are. By living in accordance with our true identity, we can light the path for our sisters of all generations on earth. “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away,”  leaving joy in their place. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My Mothers

All my life, my thoughts about the future hinged on my wedding day.  That was going to be the turning point, the moment when everything changed and I would become someone else.  It's not that I wanted to be anyone else, I just felt that must be part of getting married.  I thought a lot about what I was going to do before getting married, but my thoughts about what would happen in the years afterward were rather hazy.

Imagine my surprise when, the day after getting married, I realized that I was exactly the same.  I stayed the same in the following months.  Soon I realized that although it was wonderful to be able to spend so much time with the man of my dreams, getting married hadn't really changed me at all.

Then I had a baby, and whammo!  There was the big transformation I had been expecting.  I was BORN the day my son was born, and became so many things that I love that I am.  (Am I allowed to say that?)  And I'm still becoming so many things that I would love to be.

Who gave birth to me that day?  The following women, and dozens of others (if only you all had longer attention spans): My mother, my grandmothers, my sisters, and my bounty of beautiful aunts.  They had been nourishing me in their spiritual, intellectual wombs all my life.  And now that I am born, a mother, they continue to nurture and teach me.

I have chosen one attribute (alas, only one!) for each of my mothers, which I associate with her personally, and which I hope to incorporate into my parenting.  All of these attributes together define good mothering in my mind.

My mother Jan

Cheerfulness

I have had more than one friend, from junior high onward, exclaim that they never met a more cheerful person than my mother.  What greater gift could she have given her children than her constant cheerfulness?

My sister Nonie

Confidence

Always certain that if someone else can do it, so can she.  Not cocky about it, just believing!

My sister Melissa

Simple love

My first experiences with her included awe at the quiet, meaningful compliments she constantly issued to the people who surrounded her.

My sister Ariel

Industry

You don't have to follow this blog very long to know what I mean.  Give her a task, and it is as good as done.

My sister Abby

Laughter

No question, you and she will have a good time together.  Ever since her very tiniest years, she has been a joyful spirit.

My sister Kate

Purpose

She knows why she is doing what she does.  And if she doesn't, she makes sure to find out.

My sister Julia

Passion

She allows herself to be exhuberant about the things that might only mildly excite someone else of similar interests.  I see this as a quality of humility.

My sister Amanda

Humor

And I mean the best kind of humor ... one that doesn't try to draw the spotlight to itself, but that comments honestly on the matters at hand with a light heart.

My grandma Nonie

Conversation

It doesn't really matter what the topic is, you feel she is genuinely interested in everything you have to say.

My grandma Evelyn

Memory

Remembering old times with fondness, and reminding others of them, is an essential motherly quality which I might not have recognized without her help.

My aunt Ramona

Leadership

She is an organizer of thousands, a teacher of perhaps as many, and whether she is scaling Mount Kilamanjaro or conducting a music group, you feel confident in her footsteps.

My aunt Tamara

Thoughtfulness

Every birthday, every year growing up, I and all my many siblings received a card.  She always knows what is going on in my life, though we have been long separated.

My aunt Pat

Frontierswomanship

Is that a word?  It is her word.  She is unafraid of survival in the wilderness --- on the contrary, she has skills to transform the wilderness into a warm and welcoming home.

My aunt Mary

Gratitude

She is always the first to acknowledge a kind or generous act, and taught me to do the same.

My aunt Julie

Resilience

Even though her children are all grown and gone, she has been a pillar in her active twin grandsons' lives by watching them several times a week while their parents work.  She has learned resilience, which is what it takes never to say, "I'm done."

My aunt Sarah

Youthfulness

Back when we were what she called "teenie-boppers," she sought our company and made us glad she was with us.  She knows how to reach the young people in her life, and that will always keep her young in my eyes.

My aunt Lisa

Artistry

Her home is a western oasis of down-home decor, all of it envisioned and completed by herself.  Oh, if only I were the daughter who will inherit her delicately painted kitchen table.

My aunt Martha

Service

Always watching out for all, evidenced by how many people from everywhere seem to know her.  She has reached from here to China with her love and back again.

My aunt Barbara

Adventure

She abandoned me young, moving some of my closest cousins out of state.  But she took her new home town by storm, and infused her spirit of entrepreneurship and enthusiasm in all her children.  She stays up really late to chat and have fun (which I think is related to her spirit of adventure).

My aunt Chris

Steadiness

She has a wonderful presence.  I sense security and unselfish love whenever I am with her.  The friendship I observe between her children is a testament to her steady mothering.

My aunt Cynthia

Scholarship

Once intimidated by how much she seemed to know and all she had accomplished, I now revel in my association with this witty, intelligent, well-rounded friend.

My aunt Georgia

Healing hands

Literally, because she is a massage therapist, I have experienced her healing handiwork.  But her hands touch so many who never enter her practice.  She seeks out the needy, and is unafraid of digging her hands into the muddy, fruitful soil of service.

My aunt Liz

Beauty

She has incomparably beautiful eyes, cheekbones, and lips.  But I have a hunch that they derive their prettiness from her effusive love and her unfailing smile.

My aunt Jana

Gentleness

Once we got home from a performance, and her daughter informed her rather frantically that she had left her violin downtown.  I expected to hear, "What?!"  But instead heard, "Oh okay, well we'll drive back down and get it," in the most gentle and accepting voice.  What a safe place she provides for those she mentors.

My aunt Jeanna

Bright eyes

I always have felt that this is one of the greatest gifts to have, and my does she have it.  When I picture her, I always picture a twinkle in her eyes.  Oh, the importance of being bright-eyed!

I want to be a cheerful, confident, loving, industrious, smiling, purposeful, passionate, light-hearted, engaging, mindful, charismatic, thoughtful, pioneering, grateful, resilient, youthful, artistic, helpful, adventurous, steady, accomplished, healing, beautiful, gentle, bright-eyed mother.

And I don't want it despairingly, but hopefully, because of the examples of these women, who bore me into motherhood.

True Feminism

I'm not very caught up on what everyone else is saying about feminism at the moment.  That is, I don't know where the feminist movement stands from an academic perspective --- only where it stands in the world of my daily observation.  So with that prelude to my ignorance, I will proceed to share some thoughts.

Generally the last century of feminist activity has been divided into "First-wave," "Second-wave," and "Third-wave" feminism.  The first was known for its emphasis on suffrage and property rights.  The second, which bore the Women's Liberation Movement, focused on equality in the workplace and on ending legal gender discrimination.  The third (beginning in the 90s) has emphasized reproductive rights and fluid gender roles.

I am a feminist.

Growing up, I thought it was a bad thing to be a feminist.  I was pretty convinced that women should cling to their traditional role of wife, mother, homemaker, or society would collapse.  I thought feminism meant stealing a woman from the home and placing her in the workplace, leaving her "latch-key" kids to fend for themselves; that feminism sneered at the idea of being a stay-at-home mom whose life and identity revolved around her children and husband; that feminism was the foremost cause of delinquency, debauchery, debt, disease, disaster... all strewn in the wake of broken homes and heartbroken families.

That is not my kind of feminism.

There is a brand of feminism, that first reared its head in the "Second wave" of the 70s and 80s, which preached that women needed something other than their children and homes as outlets for their intellect and creativity.  It says that a woman will become depressed, and ultimately feel unfulfilled, if she has no work outside her home.  I think it is safe to say that, in the politically correct world, this vision of womanhood has been effectively crushed.  Most people accept that a woman can lead a fulfilling and influential life from within the walls of her home, though most would also advise that every mother maintain hobbies or part-time work and pursue life-long learning for a well-balanced self.  (My three sister-mothers and my own mother, who are stay-at-home moms, do this beautifully).  More women today are choosing to stay home with their children than did in the 80s or 90s, which is a credit to the direction mainstream feminism has taken.  I do not say this because I believe every woman should stay at home, but because every woman should be free to do so without censure.

But the point I want to make has to do with gender roles and rules.  Second wave feminism sought to make men and women equal in the workplace.  It said that a qualified woman is not inherently less desirable than a qualified man in any position.  It insisted on equal payment and equal treatment.  These demands wrought wonderful changes in our society, and opened up a world of possibilities to women that had never been dreamed of by the suffragists.  I feel that today, it is finally normal --- not common, perhaps, but certainly not shocking --- to hear of a woman CEO, tech entrepreneur, even president of a nation.  It is so good that America knows that women and men have equal potential for success in any position, depending on their training, talent, and tenacity.  But not on their gender.

Despite the overwhelmingly positive results of the push for gender equality, there is some danger in it.  It leads some to see men and women not only as equal, but as fully interchangeable.  And here is where I might diverge in my feminism from the mainstream movement.

What is feminism that does not celebrate --- fully --- what it means to be feminine?  And I don't mean the color pink, or large shoe collections, or a love of chocolate.  Those things are associated with femininity in American culture, but not in all cultures.  What is feminine?  Across all nations, races, ages?  A propensity for chit-chat?  Maybe.  An adoration of babies?  Maybe.  Appreciation of beauty, of spirituality?  Maybe.  But although women are more prone toward these qualities than men, they are not woman's exclusive domain.

The female body.  That is feminine.  Fully feminine and exclusively feminine.  With it comes the ability to conceive, build, and bear another human body.  With it comes milk to feed an infant, and hormones that bind us to our children.  And I must argue that there is such a thing, also, as the feminine spirit.  With it comes the ability to nurture in a particular way, to sense in a particular way, and to connect in a particular way.  There is  also something within every woman that binds us --- women --- to each other.  Sisterhood is feminine.  Fully feminine and exclusively feminine.

Source

True feminism should not stop at "women are equal to men", and it should not go so far as to say "women and men are interchangeable."  True feminism must embrace what it is to be feminine.  I believe this means that true feminism should by nature be more focused on childbirth, on child-nurturing, and on sisterhood, than it is on anything else, because these are among the only things that are in woman's exclusive natural domain.  (With them, of course, come related spiritual gifts which are, again, more common among women but probably not exclusive to them).

I could end this will all kinds of disclaimers about the obvious exceptions, but I won't.

Instead I'll say where my feminism has brought me.  I have a very fulfilling career in the academic world.  As a professor, I teach my classes, and grade papers, and research, and manage administrative duties as effectively as any man would.  But I do it as a woman, which means I do it differently (not better, but differently).  Then I go home from work, and there I play with, feed, and nurture my son --- differently than my husband does it, because I am a woman.  I rejoice in those things that make me different from the men who share my roles as professor or as parent.  Our contrasting contributions make our product more complete.

I am a feminist because I honor those things that make me different from a man, and not simply because I hold that I am not different from a man in many respects.  I am a feminist because I celebrate my femininity, without believing it to be superior or inferior to masculinity.  I am a feminist because I rejoice in those traits of mine that are exclusively female --- my body, my spirit, my sisterhood.