Choosing Confidence

In most settings I was mild-mannered and shy while growing up (I say most settings because some people will laugh to read that sentence).  I remember as a teenager hearing other people boldly talk about politics, current events, music, health, whatever the subject, and being very impressed.  I thought to myself (no joke), “Boy, I wish I had opinions.”  

Original illustrations. :)

I was a studious girl, and the opinions eventually came --- as they tend to do with education.  But I think what I had really been wishing for was the confidence to express an opinion in the presence of someone who disagreed.  Even in those settings where I was not so shy, I was never confrontational.  This can be a virtue, and I’m satisfied to think that sometimes it was.  But when it is one’s character rather than one’s choice to avoid conflict, it is a weakness.

These days I find myself very ready, in most settings, to say kindly but confidently, “Well, I just don’t see it that way.”  What accounts for the change?  Certainly, a graduate degree and a few more years of experience under my belt leave me with talking points.  But after contemplating my own transformation, I have come to the conclusion that confidence is a choice.

Following are some examples of my progress, and how I got there.

Cooking.  Once I was terrified even of using a recipe.  Then I was terrified of deviating from a recipe.  Then I was terrified of the hard recipes with words like whey and meuniere.  Now I feel like I can handle cooking… even feel that I’m a good cook!

• How I gained confidence in cooking: I tried one recipe at a time, looked up one term, bought one new ingredient.  Experience and practice led to confidence.

Raising my hand. In grad school I was in a class of 20 really smart guys, and then one other smart girl (who never spoke) and smart myself.  There were some really outspoken guys in that class, and I really probably only raised my hand once.  I regret that!  I had things to say.  Now I am a professor, and I challenge students and sometimes colleagues on a regular basis when I disagree with their thought process.

• How I gained confidence in public argument: I had to talk myself into this.  I had to tell myself that my ideas were just as valid as the next person’s.  I had to walk through my idea in my mind, and agree with myself, and know why.  And then I had to take a leap and put myself out there.  I had to be willing to be vulnerable.  (Love this TED talk.)

 

Motherhood.  In the beginning, when Peter would cry, I would pick him up and flutter all over him and say in a high pitched voice, “It’s okay baby!  Oh baby what’s wrong?  Are you hungry?  Hurting?  Oh I don’t know what you need.”  Within a couple months this had changed to a calm, low voice, “Peter, it’s okay.  Mama’s here.  We’re safe and warm and sleep is such a nice place to be.  Rest your head.”

• How I gained confidence in answering my child’s needs:  One day I realized that all this time I had been assuming that my baby knew what he needed, and was just waiting for me to figure it out while I tried all the wrong things.  I realized that in fact, he had no idea what he needed (consciously), and what he needed most was to feel my gentle, sure confidence.   Once I realized this, I decided that for him, I would be confident.  I just decided!  And you know what?  Suddenly his other needs were much more clear to me.  Confidence led me to smarter, quicker decisions.  It changed me fundamentally as a mother.  And all I did was decide.

By the way,

I also love this TED talk.  The speaker talks about a controlled experiment she and some colleagues did that proved how our body language chemically affects our level of confidence (and not just the other way around).  Stand in a “power pose” (see above three illustrations) for two minutes before a job interview, or performance, or crucial conversation, and even in that amount of time your testosterone levels will jump and your cortisol levels plummet.