Christlike Parenting

We related well to Nonie's description of how challenging the "three's" can be for a toddler boy. As we've tried different tactics and strategies to improve our little three year-old's behavior, it occurred to us that our behavior needed to change as much or more in order to influence him positively. Rather than focus on what he was doing, we realized that we should focus on how we were parenting.

In the process, we have been asking ourselves some basic questions:

• How do we ignite in a good, smart child a desire to behave?  
• How can we show him that obedience = happiness?
• How can we teach obedience without focus on rewards or punishments (consequences)?

I was discussing some of these ideas with my lovely mother, and she referenced (and sent me) a really wonderful book, "Christlike Parenting" by Glen I. Latham.  Isn't it right to start by looking to Christ, a example of our Father in Heaven and our actual spiritual Father, to know how to treat our children?  There are so many examples in the scriptures of how Christ responded to all kinds of behavior. 

We have just started reading and applying what we have learned, but we have already noticed a difference in Abraham, our relationship with him, and the level of positive energy in our home.  The basic points have been simple and compelling--so much so that I wanted to share some of them with you.

1. Focus on values, not compliance.  
1. "Forced conformance and compliance creates a coercive environment, which in turn encourages children to escape, avoid and countercoerce"
2. Make a list of values you want to teach your children (honesty, kindness, etc).
3. Give them opportunities to serve each other.
4. Acknowledge the values when you see it, "You really showed patience when . . ."
5. Your child comes to see himself or herself as a good person, rather than just a person who does good things.
2. "As parents, it is our responsibility to create a Christlike “world” in our homes; a safe place where children behave well because they enjoy the pleasant consequences of doing so, rather than to avoid the unpleasant consequences of behaving badly."
3. "Revile Not." Christ is the perfect example of nonreviling, even in the face of cruel and unwarranted assaults . . . though he could have called down “more than twelve legions of angels” (Matt. 26:53), he “reviled not.”  
1. Respond as a highly civilized adult no matter how uncivilized the child behaves.   
4. Unearned privileges.  This was a very unique perspective that I'm still trying to internalize. 
1. " To the extent to which the child is unwilling to comply with family expectations, he deprives himself of privileges that would otherwise be available. . . .  He needs to understand of course, that these are not being taken away from him.  Rather, he hasn’t earned them, and he can only have what is earned. (i.e. if a child is yelling, he hasn't earned the privilege of staying with the family for a little while).   
1. When having a conversation about behavior that is not appropriate:
1.  Stay with your expectations;
2. Be empathetic and understanding;  
3. Be clear about consequences;  
4. Avoid argument, reason, logic, good sense, appeals, threats, excessive or misdirected questioning, and anything else that will most certainly turn him off; and
5. Assure the child he is valued and has your unconditional love.  
5. One thing Latham says is that if you state your expectations clearly and peacefully (without focusing on the consequences if non-compliant) three times, children will most often do what they are asked to do.  This is something we started doing right way, and we have been pleasantly surprised at how often this really works, no coercion necessary! 
6. If you want your children to behave well, pay attention to them when they are behaving well.

My thoughts are a little jumbled, but I hope there has been something in there that is of use to you.  It makes much more sense if you read the book (especially if you talk it over with your mom :).

 What have you learned by looking to Jesus Christ as the example of a perfect parent?